Congratulations, you’ve collected your receipts, claimed for all the right things and now you’re on the receiving end of a tax return big enough to choke a donkey. So, what next? Well, you could save, pay off some credit card debt or use your newfound wealth to do something relatively good in the world? Haha, just kidding; you’re obviously going to spend your money on something awesome. Luckily for you, we have uncovered our top 3 ways to blow your tax return in record time.
BUILD A TREEHOUSE
Remember when you were a kid and you could run outside, scramble up a badly sanded ladder and hide in a borderline illegal dwelling until your mother chilled out about the window you had just broken? Well, those fond memories will be nothing compared to what you’ll be able to build with the money from your tax return. Best of all, you won’t have to watch your dad attempt to look like he knows what he’s doing. You’ll be able to afford a construction team to build it, put in wiring and set up security so that nobody can come in if they don’t know the password.
BUY A PRIVATE JET…
…trip. Obviously you can’t afford to actually buy a private jet (what are you thinking?) but you certainly can afford to look like someone who does.
You see, whenever a private jet flies anywhere with a millionaire or rockstar aboard, it generally get stuck at the destination point without anyone paying for it to come back to the base. The return flight is called an ’empty leg’ and private jet companies tend to sell those flights really cheap. Unfortunately, there are no staff and you won’t be offered any champagne, but because you are buying the entire jet, you could get one of your friends to dress up and pretend to be your personal assistant, butler or… whatever else you want to call them. Frankly, you are buying them a flight on a private jet, so it’s the least they could do.
Why is it’s only chumps who use skywriting to share romantic intentions or advertise another sale at their mattress store? Skywriting is one of the only mass media communication mediums that hasn’t been ruined by social media platforms and online news networks. You can dominate the entire skyline of your city with a message of unbridled hatred or passive-aggressiveness.
FROM THE PREDICTABLE
I Hate You Belinda Jones
John Smith Has an Oversized Head
TO THE MESSAGE THAT WILL HAVE RAMIFICATIONS
Jeff Gill Isn’t Sick. He’s at Beach.
Tracy, Your Wedding Ring is Worth $120
TO THE MALICIOUS
Party at 144 Station Road, Burnside
Free Beer – 15 Raython Ave. Just Come In.
Best of all, you don’t have to do anything. Spend your last remaining few dollars on a picnic chair, go to your chosen target’s home or place of work, and enjoy the show. While proposals will be forgotten as the years go by, the satisfying feeling of needless revenge will stay with you forever, you beautiful genius.